My Battle
In a room, I am cloaked in the darkness. Away from her, away from her screams, her accusations, the poison of her that she spews over me. The way she claws at me, my skin, bruised by her. My own hatred and fears over me like a hood. The door rumbles with knocks. I stumble back, my heart being jolted into action. I cry and have my back pressed against the wall. Holding my head, letting the familiarity of pain numb me again. It’s the only feeling I’ve felt. It’s so natural. The burning at the sides of my eyes, the coldness over my back and the sickening comfort of having darkness all around. No one can see me, and I don’t have to see the true monsters: people and their everchanging whims. It holds me, enveloping me in its temporary solace. As if it were shushing me, lulling me like an infant. Go to sleep, it says, disconnect from the world. Enter your own world. They can’t get you there. They can’t find you there. They can’t hurt you there.
The pounding over the door increases. I can see a glittering piece of metal just in front of me. Everything comes back again. Waking me from my peace. Spinning in my mind, pulsing against my rib cage, sharp and splitting against my skull.
“You’re crazy!”
“You have no right over your emotions. I own them!”
“No one loves you!”
“I hate you!
“You’re the reason for my problems!”
“You are nothing without me!”
“Die already!”
“You should never have been born!”
“I’m not beautiful!”
“I’m scared!”
“What’s going to happen?!”
“I don’t want to live anymore!”
“I’m so cold.”
“She keeps hurting me!”
“She hit me and it hurts.”
“But, I need to try.”
“Crying. Crying all the time.”
“I love…”
“I just want love.”
“I don’t know.”
“I just want LOVE!”
“The pain.. it feels good?”
“I’d rather have no emotions!”
“I’ll use you for my own needs!”
“Your views, your emotions mean nothing to me!”
“DIE!”
“CRY!”
“Live?”
“DIE!”
The door unhinges and so do I. No scream can tear from me as the dark form enters the room, she looks like me. Her hands in fists, gloved with the darkness that the night owns. Her eyes own the red of blood. A hatred so profuse, clouded over. My eyes dart from the blade on the floor, to the door right behind her. I keep darting, and she grabs me. Time seems to slow. I’m gripped by the darkness of my own fears, my doubts, my worries, my hatred, impregnated by the narcissists who I live with. All I wanted was to nurture, to be loved, to love in return. She keeps a grip on me and pulls. I lift my hand in the air.
“They love you.” She says.
“They abuse you after they love you.”
“They hurt you, they care.”
“They yell and scream.”
“You are nothing.”
“You mean nothing to them.”
“You are their puppet.”
“I am alone.”
My fist shakes.
“No one believes in me!”
“Yes… I do!”
My fist is clenching tighter. There’s this speck of light I can see around my chest, I feel a warmth.
“If people won’t believe in me, then I’ll have to believe in myself.”
“He shows concern for me. The boy who is a stranger. He smiles. He holds a warmth I’ve never been shown by anyone.”
“if he cares, then I will too!”
My fist collides with the dark version of me, across her jaw and she falls. I stumble and reach for the metal, and then turn my back on it, running out the door.
It’s bright. Light, sunshine, birds serenading the winds. It’s so unfamiliar. A love? My heart feels? It actually feels…warm? So strange. So scary.
“I’m afraid to love. But, I’ll love anyways, because it feels so warm. It’s warmer than the closed darkness. I’ll love anyways because I find peace when he holds my gaze. His eyes are so peaceful. It’s brighter than the redness over my cheeks, or the blue of bruises over my arms.”
“I feel so…happy?”
“Does he like me? Do I love him?”
“Does he love me? Do I fear him?”
“Do I love him?”
“Do I feel love?”
“What is love?”
He taught me what love is. Love is kind. He showed me love’s meaning. Love is smiling. Love is what he says. Love is the warmth of his smile, the awareness of kindness in his eyes. Love is the softness of his voice. Love needs no skin. His heart is soft enough for me. The way you hold my gaze. Love is his chivalry. Love is…love is pain? Love is need? Love is want? Love is his silence? Love is sacrifice. Love is his stares. What is love? Love is my silence in the pain. Love is my smiles and laughter. Love is the need to love. Love is…. Too much love. Do I deserve it?
I learned love. And then I learned true love. I am a person of faith. I do not trust anyone, until I started to feel again. Feel more inside my heart.
I found Intuition. I feel worry and I really shouldn’t. I worry and I’m right, I didn’t need to.
When I get nervous, usually things go wrong in some way. I experiment on the feelings and I’m right. I believe in my intuition, my gut feelings. Another feeling That had been caged away inside me. I never knew I had it. This sense, this force of nature that started to guide me. They have never let me down. My intuition was born ever since I started to love him.
“When I worry, it usually means I don’t have to.” And, it works. It’s true.
“When I’m nervous, usually things don’t go as planned.” And, it works. It’s true.
“When I feel this energy, my gut, my heart, it tells the truth.”
Then, one day I read, “God loves you.”
“How….how did… How… He loves me.”
And then I knew. All the pain…. all the struggle. Now I know, years later.
I was but a seed. Planted in the ground, among the darkness, only to grow. To crack open from my shell, to struggle my way up from the soil, breaking free. I didn’t break. I broke FREE.
FREE.
This is the real me:
“I’m so much happier.”
“God loves me. I love you.”
“I am beautiful, inside and out.”
“She hurt me, but I won’t hurt anyone.”
“I’m so content.”
“I’ll have struggles, but I’ll over come them.”
“Smile.”
“LIVE!”
“I want to love. I want to live. I have a purpose.”
“I want to live this moment.”
“I love you.”
“I LOVE YOU.”
“I love him.”
I love God.”
“I am important.”
“I will speak my truth.”
“I will be honest.”
“I don’t care what they say. Their words won’t hurt me.”
“My past is not what I am.”
“ I feel so much more confident.”
“I can do it.”
“I am me.”
“My emotions are mine. My heart is mine. My mind is mine.”
“I …
“am….
“Free…
“I am a light that keeps shining. I am not your shadow, nor the moon who shines because of you. I am the stars. Ever bright, and brightest in the dark. I will shine, so perhaps the light will reach you too.”